my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
