Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
