God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
