My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
