I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
