I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
