I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just want to make out with him forever
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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