Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
