there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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