As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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