i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
