Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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