If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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