she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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