Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
