Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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