Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
