You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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