Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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