I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
