so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
