well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize