Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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