I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just forgot I was standing up.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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