I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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