Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
