Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
