The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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