New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
