ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
