i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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