When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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