That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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