You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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