Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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