So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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