we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
