I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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