So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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