it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
