please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
