any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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