Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
