Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
