Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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