I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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