sarcasm needs its own font
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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