her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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