if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
