You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
