If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
