i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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