Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
