you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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