Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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