Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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