I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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