by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
