i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize