that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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