I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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