The maid of honor just puked.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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