It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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